I got better with medicine and therapy. Coping skills were there and played an enormous part, but I don’t think I could have done it without professional help. In fact, psychiatric medication has saved my life on many occasions: many.
But what do I say to my readers who don’t have access to medical care? You’re screwed? Give up? There’s got to be a better message than that.
So I’m on a journey to find out how someone without access to doctors or therapists can make their lives better. Some health problems never go away. You’ll either have a good day or a bad day, but you’ll still have the problem. While this is not true of all people’s anxiety and depression, it’s definitely true of my disorders.
I’m taking a class through my therapist’s office on DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and I’m slowly being cured. The borderline reactivity and feeling and fear that I’m being dismissed or abandoned by my loved ones is curving more toward the resolution of a lifetime of problems.
Accidental abuses. Accidental injury. Unpurposeful invalidation. It hurts so badly, and I have no choice but to send text message after pitiful text message to the person who “is irritated by me”. I know it’s not cool. But my body feels ready to explode if don’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am forgiven and will not be forsaken. I HAVE to. HAVE to. No choice. Period.
I often feel like a terrible person. The most comforting thing I’ve heard since 2019 (it’s 2023 as I write this) is my Dad’s response to me desperately begging him to tell me whether or not I was a bad person. It was the night that I kicked out Chris, my 7-year, biggest of my life relationship with a less-than-good person, forever. His response was priceless, and I think of it often. He said:
“I, obviously, am very biased. But I think that by any objective standard, You are at least Average or Above.” -John
I felt so seen and so validated. I’ve repeated it over and over. It helps so much.
Because when you’re not good enough (in your own mind) to count as a good person, it’s much more realistic to be “Average or Above.”
I’ll be average or above any day of the week.
By the way:
Ya done good, John.